Twice in my life I've been fit. In my late teens, in Brasil, when I trained with a body-building team and was mega-toned and had a body every teen would kill for. I knew I looked great then and I felt great. Then teenage awkwardness kicked in (rather late I must say) and I shaved off my head and quit the training. I stayed slim and toned for a long time after that, but a few years later the lifestyle caught up with me and I.. erm, filled up!

Fast forward to several (many!) years later. I am now in Ireland, I am a few years shy of turning 30, and I am a size 10. I am slim, healthy, fit - all due to sticking to the very strict candida diet and the obsession with tribal bellydance technique and the hours of daily drilling.

Since then I've been pregnant and I've had a gorgeous baby boy, but a year since his birth (oh my, where does time go? my baby is turning one!!!) I have not shed a single kilo off the baby weight I gained during pregnancy.

I have not had the motivation to find the time and the space to rekindle any of my practices. I have been consumed with motherhood, a baby who does not sleep at nights, work and other personal, painful worries and upsets, and I have not been looking after myself very well. Or well at all. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I really feel the need to reconnect with myself and my being again. I am tired of being stressed, sad, worried, lethargic, sluggish all the time. So today, as I walked around my new neighborhood, I made a summer promise to myself.

A promise to be gentler, kinder to myself. To listen to the hurt but not dwell on it. To let go of the heaviness that is on my heart. To look at every little happy moment and cherish it. To congratulate myself for all the little things I achieve everyday.

To nourish my body by giving what it needs and not giving what it doesn't need (oh those frapuccinos!). By allowing my body to move to release the blocked energy that is in every joint. To go for walks and soak in the elements and recharge.

To do as I preach and practice "snack-bar" yoga/dance. No need for 4-hour drills. No need even for 1-hour drills. When the time is there, sure. But most of the time, 5-minute dips into the practice here and there during the day will do wonders of good.

On the hard, I promise myself I will learn to swim (or at least I will learn not to panic and cry when in water, I will, I will!), so this time next year and me and my healthy, fit body will be enjoying summer in a swimming pool with my little boy.

A promise, swaddled in summer sun and breeze.

It's funny how the writing takes me where it wants to go. I started this post intending to talk about how I hate and loathe exercise, and in the process of transferring thoughts into text the energy shifted and light shone through. The healing has begun. Thank you, universe.

I was reading a very well-known yoga magazine and it was making me uncomfortable, but I was not sure why. I put it down for a bit, went and checked the baby, got a fresh glass of water and set down to read again, being aware of the feeling of discomfort and the purpose of finding out why it was there.

I just flicked back and forth through the mag, not focusing on or reading anything, and I then realised what was nagging at me. This magazine has more adds then Marie Clare!

Before I continue, I am not ditching the mag at all. I buy it most months, I use their web site a lot and I like the articles they publish and their focus on not only the physical but also the spiritual side of yoga. And I will forever say that it's better to read anything than read nothing at all, and as far as reading choices go, one could do a LOT worse.

But do we really need adds on every single frigging page of said magazine? And, more to the point I want to make here, do we really need yoga fashion?

ME LOVES ME SOME FASHION

I do. Before I picked translation, I wanted to study Fashion in university. I didn't because it's a really tough market, specially in Brasil (where I was born and living then), but I continued following it as avidly as always. There was a time in my life when I also always dressed in the latest tendencies. I don't anymore because I now have a much better sense of my body and what suits me and I have my own style. And I still love love love fashion, I'm always following the new tendencies and will, soon, also be dabbing into it with my own hand-made knitwear.

BUT DO WE NEED EXPENSIVE, FASHIONABLE WEAR FOR OUR PRACTICE?

My husband says that he likes to be dressed well when he is exercising. For him, that is a nice pair of tracksuit bottoms or linen pants and a t-shirt.

I agree with him. I too like to be dressed well when I practice. For me, that's a nice pair of exercise pants, a sports bra and a tank top or long-sleeve cotton top. Some of them are from well-known brands, some are from the discount shop, some from the supermarket. Same thing for when I'm rehearsing or practicing dance moves.

Because, to me, what matters is that:
- I'm confortable
- my body can breathe
- my clothing does not hinder my movement

The magazine, however, is full of yoga-focused fashion. This famous teacher endorses the novelty pants, another one endorses a certain style (crop top and hot pants???), and a third one swears by the new generation mat that will make transform your practice.

I AM ALL FOR CONSUMING

If you know me, you know I don't recycle, I don't upcycle, we drive a 4x4 in the city and I believe that the western society is now too reliable on consumism to be any other way without completely collapsing. I also like nice things, and what's nice for me my not be nice for you.

But I do not like the idea that a cereal bar, or this mat, or those trowsers (and I will not even mention the jewelry... oh my...) to be "yogaed". Na-ha.

MY POINT?

It upsets me that an ancient philosophy is so commercialised. But, again quoting my husband, Che Guevara is now a t-shirt. Things change, things evolve.

Yoga is now fashionable, so more and more people are practicing it. Some only due to the physical benefits, but lots and lots of people are soaking into the spiritual side of it too. And it's super OK to be in it just for the physical too - it's a wonderful form of exercise and it does calm the brain chatter.

Maybe this is a good thing, after all.

On Thursday July 22^nd I come home from my last pre-natal appointment with the midwife in floods of tears. If Billy isn’t born by Monday, I will be induced on Tuesday morning.

I am really uncomfortable with and scared of the idea of being induced. It normally means a long and painful labour, and also I don’t react well to drugs (Lemsip hot lemons make me nauseous...)

I get home, have lunch with my parents and call my homeopath. She prescribes me an emotional remedy and another one that will help my body get into labour. She explains to me that the remedy will only work if the baby is fully engaged (he is) and if my body has any chance of labouring, which, at this point, I hope it does. If my cervix is not ripe, the remedy will not work.

I start taking my remedies that afternoon. I immediately feel calmer and more accepting of the fact that I am not in control here, and that what will be, will be.

At 6 AM the next morning my waters break. Thom and I go to the hospital to get checked. All is well, so they send me home. If labour does not get going tonight, I will be induced on Saturday morning. I take the last 2 doses of my remedies that day, and go to bed that night just happy in the knowledge that very soon I will have Billy in my arms.

At 3 AM I wake up with my first contraction. I wait for more to come before waking Thom up. They start coming regularly and building up that early morning. I have a long, long shower, get dressed, and keep waiting and counting and waiting.

They don’t build up enough, so we just go to the hospital at the agreed time of my appointment, but when the midwife checks me, she confirms I am in labour (1 cm dilated) and takes me to the delivery ward, where Thom and I settle. I’m nervous but so excited, as it’s getting closer and closer to bringing my little boy into the world.

I am checked again 2 hours later, and I have only dilated to 2 cm. The midwife explains to me that labour is not progressing as fast as it should, and since more than 24 hours have passed since my waters broke, they need to induce me.

The midwife is absolutely wonderful to us. She knows I do not want drugs and that I’m nervous about being induced, so she talks us through the whole procedure.

At around 12 noon the Oxytocin drip goes in. Almost immediately the contractions start getting harder, longer, less spaced. They pick up pace and I lose track of time and of reality.

The pain gets really strong. There are times I black out. I remember repeating to Thom over and over: “I need a break”, “I can’t keep going”, “How long will this last?”

Thom gives me a homeopathic remedy that brings my mind back and clears my thoughts. I know that if I keep going I will not have the strength to push when the time comes. We ask the midwife about pain relief, and I agree to take Petadin, as I know I don’t want gas and air and especially I do not want an epidural. At this stage, I have no idea how long since the drip or if labour is progressing, but I know the pain will sap my strength.

She gives me the Petadin injection; it does not take the pain away but makes it more manageable somehow. I can handle this now, I am calmer and confident.

I feel the urge to push, and I tell the midwife. Every contraction is asking me to push. She agrees to check my dilation, and just then Thom tells her I had a major show.

It is around 2 PM and I am 9 cm dilated. The midwife is surprised that I progressed so fast, and as she starts preparation for birth, she tells me I will soon be pushing my little boy into the world.

She says to me that she will need a second midwife in the room, as the baby is quite big – I have a second of fear but I know I can help my son birth.

Never in a lifetime will I forget the midwives telling me to bring my son onto my chest. He is so calm and warm and perfect. I have no idea how long I pushed for, but I hear the midwife call time of birth: 2:52 PM.

Thom helps them clean and weight the baby (4,260 kg / 9 lb 4 oz) and the surgeon comes over to stitch me. Despite the size of my baby, I only had three minor, superficial tears, but all three of them tore capillaries, so I bled twice the normal amount.

I hold my baby as they wheel me to the ward. Billy feeds a bit and goes to sleep. I shower. Thom brings me food, we eat and chat, he leaves. I spend all that night watching my baby boy, checking that he is OK.

I feel super dizzy and weak, and even though I know this is due to all the drugs I took that day (more that I had taken in the past 7 years...), the staff are worried that I lost too much blood and need a transfusion. They check my blood and it’s OK.

I am kept at hospital a second night to be observed and also for them to see Billy feed a few times.

On Monday morning we bring our little boy home. I can spend my days looking at him, he is just so perfect and he is my son. Being at home with him and my husband is just pure, simple happiness. 

You have been living in my belly for 37 full weeks now. Wow.

I remember the night when I realised I was late, last November, and told your daddy, and the next morning I took a test. The faint second line in the test left me unsure, so I bought a different test that day and took it the next morning and there it was, a big blue + on the little screen. I cried and your daddy cried and we hugged and kissed.

The months after that are huge blurs. We had a big show in late November, and then your granddaddy Franey got sicker and passed away, and by the time our lives got to some resemblance of normality, you were already getting big in my belly and I had a little bump to show.

On the day of our first scan, I tried to stay strong but when I saw you on the screen, I cried and cried, full of happiness and something that no words can explain. You were so active and you kept stretching your little arms over your head and bouncing and I could not stop crying.


first scan, little fist up high!

Your daddy always knew you were a little boy, but on our second scan we asked the (bat-shit-crazy) technician if she could tell the sex, and she showed us your bits, clear on display on her screen – not a shy little bubba!


second scan, posing!

You kept on stretching your little arms over your head, and as you got bigger you found exactly where my bladder was and really dug your little fists in at any opportunity. But even that I will miss when you are not living inside me anymore.

You have been the most wonderful baby so far. You gave me no morning sickness, no heartburn, no varicose veins, no swelling. And the few stretch marks I got I will wear with pride, proof of having you in my life.

You are now ready to come meet your momma and daddy, and we are just as ready to meet you. Don’t leave us waiting much longer. We love you.

So the show came and went and I've been meaning to catch up here since, but time has been scarse and life took over for a while, but better late than never, right?

Our very first Nouveau Vaudeville show truly was a success! We were fully sold out, and a good time was had by everyone!



Me, 7,5 months pregnant, directing the show and playing hostess for the night!

My troupe, The Zoryanna , did an amazing job performing my choreografies, while adding their own touch to them. All the hours we spent planning and sewing the costumes paid off, as the troupe looked fab on stage! And our hard work on rehearsing the choreographies also showed on stage - we were on point!


The Zoryanna, opening the show

There are dancers who we like to work with, and hopefully we will continue to do so in all our future shows. Like The Orchids , for example - beautiful, professional dancers who we can count on to put a good performance.






This time we also had live music by Ronan Ward during the interval, and it's something we will probably have in our future shows as well.


Ronan Ward rocking the crowd

And our special guest for the night, the wonderful diva or Irish burlesque, Miss Bella a Go Go , was absolutely fantastic! Her two performance numbers mesmerised the crowd and at the same time had them in stitches - only Miss Bella can do this! She also sang beautifully...






Plans are already in full steam for our next show, Nouveau Vaudeville II. It will be on October 30th and it will be the scariest halloween of your life - well, maybe not, but it will definitely be the sexiest halloween ever! We have wonderful special guests lined up and when the time is right I will let you know all about it!

So remember that you have to be in my newsletter to receive the news before everyone else - sign up by emailing me at tatty@tattyfraney.com

oh, hello world!

yep, i know... it's been a long long time. i have a long list of great excuses though, and if you care to read on you will be able to appreciate them!

1) NOUVEAU VAUDEVILLE - THE SHOW

Yep, we have a new show coming up. In less than one month. squeeeeal! panic! rush! sew! rehearse! eeek!

This is a very different show to anything we have done to date. We do not have any improvised numbers this time (and improvisational troupe dance is what we do!). All our numbers are fully choreographed, so we are rehearsing to death to get it all perfect and on point.

The reason we decided to choreograph is because of the theme - Cabaret. Improvisational tribal bellydance just doesn't bring the glamour and oomph of cabaret, and we had to pull inspiration from different styles and ages to make it work. And if I may say so, it's looking pretty hot.

This is also the first show I am directing - lights, music, the lot. It's a LOT of work, so much to think about, and I am sure I am forgetting a ton of stuff, but it's a great experience and with each show I will know more and feel more at home with it.

We also picked our guest performers carefully. They are artists we trust and who we know can deliver a punching performance on the night, and work confidently within the theme.

This time we are also having live music during the intervals, an up-and-coming local musician who will warm the audience with pop/rock tunes and keep them entertained while the dancers refresh themselves!

And to top it all up, we have a raffle, with proceeds from it going to Women's Aid.

2) WORK

Work has picked up (thanks be to the gods!) and I have not had a day off in months!

I am loving it though, as the first couple of months working for myself were quite hard and at times it made me wonder if I had made the right decision at all.

Now I know I did, things are picking up, I have not had any downtime in two months, and I am truly rejoicing in it.

I am also teaching classes 4 nights a week - so much talent out there! I can see several potential dancers in class, and that's the motivation I need to keep going.

Some of my days are rather long - starting work at 7 AM and not coming home from class till 9h30 PM - there are times when I want to give some classes up - or all of them up altogether! But as soon as I am there, surrounded by enthusiastic, talented ladies, I see it's worth it. After class I normally feel renewed and refuelled!

3) PREGNANCY

Well, this does not actually take any time, but there are days when I am just not able for much.

There has been sleepless night, painful days, exhaustion and horrible mood swings, and it all adds to the mix.

But as soon as the little one moves around in my belly, I can't help but burst into laughter and beam with happiness. I can't wait to meet my little boy in July!


So yep, these are my excuses, and they are good ones too!

I won't make any foolish promises, so I can't tell you when I will be around here again. Possibly after the show to give the lowdown - wish me luck!

Like most people I know, I was in the habit of making new year's resolutions. I'd come up with a long list, full of "shoulds and should nots" and loaded with guilt. At the end of the year I'd review my list and make note of all my failures and go through the cycle again, creating another list that would lead to more failures.

On the last day of 2006, I decided I had had enough. I was going to turn 30 in 2007. I was feeling the weight society puts on that number for females, and I decided that I'd had enough with that bullshit. I was going to be happy, and that was it. And my first step towards being happy was: To hell with resolutions.

Since then I've not made a single resolution on new year's eve, and it has made me much lighter. But since reading this, I've been considering the idea for a theme.

I was thinking about several concepts, processes and other wonderful stuff I've learnt in the past year, and they mostly seemed so big and overwhelming to me. But the other night, it came to me.

A little recap

I've gone on and on and on about this already, so I won't now, but I need a lil recap here.

Last year I did too much of everything:

- danced too much
- stressed to much
- ate too much
- dieted too much
- worked way too much
- said too much yes
- said too much no
ad nausea...

And I ended up burnt, to the point where I am still feeling the exhaustion now, no matter how much I rest and nourish. Too much was not good enough.

So this year has a theme

And this simple, little word that spells my theme for the year is huge to me. And it means a lot. And it means learning what to take in and what/when to let go. I have to learn to measure what I can take on, and what I have to pass. What is a Yes and what is a No. Gosh, I have to learn to rest!!!!

My theme is Balance.

And I welcome Balance, open-heartedly, into my life.

This is the second post in the Decompression series - it's just me taking the time to digest and process all the changes of the last trimester in 2009. Yep, life just went all crazy and I did not have time to really think about it. But I am doing it now.

So on November 11th I resigned my job. After about 10 months of over thinking, over analysing, weighing the pros and cons, and basically frying my brain (and the boy's!) with the weight of it all.

I had been thinking about it for months and months - I wanted to go back to working for myself. The most logical step was freelancer translation, which I did in the past. I have a degree in translation and 12 years of experience in it, and I LOVE translating. I really do.

So around May I contacted some clients and started translating part-time. Between May and November I pretty much worked every single evening and weekend, non-stop - on top of the day job. And on top of teaching dance classes 3 nights a week. So most days I would wake up at around 6h30 AM and I would not finish work until at least 11 PM.

This added to the fact that work was just terrible make it all twice as hard as it already was.

I was constantly tired; I was not eating well; I was irritable and distant and stressed. I could NOT keep going for much longer.

I needed to make a decision.

So I spoke to an amazing group of people, part of a membership forum that is just mind-blowingly helpful, and they helped with coming up with some pointers that would give me the confidence to do it. I spoke to close friends, and I spoke to my husband about it, and I called my parents and spoke about it a bit more.

Until I got sick and tired of speaking about it. I could not even hear myself talk about it anymore, I just couldn't. I had to take the plunge or I would lose my mind. Also, I had changed jobs internally and I am a big believer in quitting while you're winning. Things were much better in work, so it felt like the perfect time to leave.

The day I resigned I felt so light I thought I would float home. It was like the weight of the world had just been taken off my shoulders. I could not stop smiling.

I am still smiling now. The translation work is going quite well, and I am currently working on figuring out exactly what it is that I am going to do, putting the website together and all that. It's exciting, I am motivated and I am happy.

There is one big lesson learnt here, and it's that I write the story of my life. I can hold on to crutches and excuses OR I can do what I want to and what I am good at, and own my life again.

wow. 2009 is over, really? already?

it's been pretty much a blur, this past year. the months are all jamming into one big rush and it's hard to tell what happened when.

i do like to look at the balance of the year that ends, so this is my attempt at doing it here. the good, the bad, what i learnt and what i want for the year that is starting in just over 2 hours.

An ickle disclaimer before I start this post - life has been crrrazy. It totally took over and I have just been focusing on getting through. Now that I am on the other side of the hurricane, it's time to catch up. There will be a short series of posts where I catch up and digest the past month. Thanks for, erm, digesting with me!

My first show - November 28th. WOW.

I can't remember when we* decided we were going to have a show. I think it was back in May. Then we decided we need a guest. Then we decided we needed workshops with the guest, who is an amazing teacher/dancer/person.

So around June we booked the wonderful Hilde for workshops and to be the special guest on our show. We booked the venue for the workshops and the venue for the show.

We invited other guests - beautiful local dancers - and started picking music for our numbers. EIGHT dances in one night, but we knew we could do it.

Songs picked, guests booked and confirmed, we started rehearsal - this around late July.

August was pretty much taken over with summer holidays, with most of the troupe being away at different times - no rehearsals happened.

September was busy drilling technique and putting together the basis for the coreographies. October and November was rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Stress. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Stress a bit more. Get sick because of not enough rest.

Three days before the show a dancer pulled out. Grr. TWO days before the show another dancer pulled out. GRRR. Both for health reasons, so totally understandable, but STRESS!

The show itself was a blur. Dance after dance after dance. The dancers we worked with were beyond amazing - professional, full of energy, friendly. I will certainly work with them again! The crew at Crawdaddy were so so helpful and accommodating, we just can't wait to work with them again. The unofficial video looks amazing and I can't wait for the official video and pics to be ready.

But, of course, it was not all roses...

The stage - we had been to the venue before, and remembered the stage being small, BUT the specs we got from them indicated a much bigger stage. Groovy, we thought, more space = better. Turns out the stage was still small... we had to make some total last minute changes to a dance with 8 dancers, which meant that confusion ensued and not everyone was on the same page for it.
Lesson learnt - do not trust specs, go and visit the place beforehand, even if you have to fight for that right.

Tickets - we probably priced the tickets too high for Dublin. Tickets sales covered all our costs (just about), but it was a far cry from the full house we hoped for. At the same time, as Nell said, some bands play for their friends and family for years before they sell out a show, so for our first show we did ok.
Lesson learnt - revise ticket prices so they are more in line with similar shows in Dublin.

Marketing - well, we really failed on this. We advertised only to our newsletter and on Facebook. It totally wasn't enough.
Lesson learnt - I am not sure what we will do different for the next one, but we are planning and brainstorming on this.

Overall, it was wonderful and well worth the stress. The night was magical for us. Our next show will hopefully be magical for a full house

* Not the royal type, but me and my troupe.